But, unfortunately for me, there are those dark days - the ones I fear, the ones I hope will never come round and surface their ugly head. I know when they are coming, I feel a dark presence that warps it's way into my mind, wrapping around me and suffocating my thoughts. I don't want it there but it just keeps coming.....I tell it to go away, that it won't win and that I am too strong - it doesn't care and just keeps creeping along the very lifelines of my body sucking the life out of me as it passes through, taking all my energy and goodness with it.
It makes my heart hurt and my body feel lifeless - I lie there some mornings and my mind is trapped inside a body that won't move, it refuses to do what I ask. I can hear my children asking me to get up and no matter how hard I try to move, I cannot.
"Teethy time" I will hear them say with tons of enthusiasm.
I can hear every word and try my very best to get up but nothing happens - can't be a dream because I can hear everything, just as clear as I would if I was fully awake - so where has my body gone? Why is it not responding?
Eventually, I come back to me but it takes time.
It is on these days that I go outdoors hoping to god that I don't bump into anyone, I don't want to talk, I don't want to see anyone. If I do I try to avoid seeing them which never goes down well, so many people I know often think I have fallen out with them but they don't understand what's going on. Whenever this awful feeling is there, I cannot talk to anyone, I cannot make eye contact for fear of them seeing the darkness in my eyes. Only bad can come of my conversing when the dark feeling is present within me - I say hurtful things, I can be very rude, comments explode from my mouth like a bullet from a gun and before I even have chance to catch up and stop them, the words have already been spoken.
I put on a brave face around my children, I fight it, I try to hide the frightful dark feeling, I hold it down and keep it there to protect my children from it. When my children are not there, I go to a room and lock the door and cry. I plead and beg for the darkness to leave and let me be, I get angry and ask "why me? I'm happy, what did I ever do to deserve this?"
I never get a reply.... sometimes it passes through for a couple of days.... other times weeks. I don't know where it comes from or what it wants, all I know is it crushes my soul and pushes me into a deep, dark well of loneliness, away from love, happiness and most importantly my family.
As I grow older, it tends not to bother me as much - I think the darkness has learned that I am strong and each time it surfaces its head from the dark depths of oblivion, it has learned that I will be there waiting, stronger than before, ready to fight it. It knows that my armour is made from the strongest and purest of love that I have for my children and nothing can defeat that, not even darkness itself. My heart holds a new strength and determination that to this day remains undefeated.
I see my old enemy 'the dark feeling' only now and again - he has grown weaker as I have grown stronger - he still wants my soul but I am holding onto it with my life.
This post is about depression and other similar issues that a person can suffer with, but because we can't see it we often don't realise how the people affected are suffering. We turn our backs on these people, maybe because we don't understand their behaviour when they are having a bad episode. I hear a lot of people say "people with depression just need to get over it". That is one of the worst and most horrid things you can say. The feeling is not something one can just get over, when it locks it's jaws onto you, it is extremely hard to shake off.
It is a lonely and very isolated place to be and having experienced it first hand I can honestly say that if people tried to understand it more then it would be easier for sufferers to cope, as a little support can make a world of difference.
I am very lucky, my fiance has taken the time to understand me and we have learned between us how to deal with the issues when they arise. However, not everyone is as lucky as I am and they do not have the support that I do. If you know someone who suffers with depression, you don't have to do anything more than just simply try and understand them and don't judge when they are having a bad day - trust me, it's not their fault.
If you suffer with depression, just remember it is a feeling that will pass - it is like entering a dark tunnel, even though you cannot see and darkness is all around, just remember to keep walking forward until you see the light at the end of it - it is always there, you just have to keep moving towards it.
No comments:
Post a Comment